now i'm crawling toward the sun

panic panic panic

my eyes desperately want to close but there is too much waiting for me to do to just lay down and sleep. i don't want to die, i just want it all to stop. i just want to be able to breathe without my chest becoming too tight. i just want something and it all seems so impossible.

i feel like a complete paradox. inside my head, i am not unhappy. i just am. but outside my head, when i look at how everything should be, what i should be able to do, it all is all light years beyond where i am. a place where people manage to get out of bed in the morning with some level of purpose.