keep it secret
i'm tired and angry and hurt and lather, rinse, repeat.
i want to spew bile and vitriol and anger and hurt and disgorge everything inside me, to hurl it at her head, to scream and shout and cry and be mean and hurt her and tell her what she's done to me.
but i don't want to because i love her dearly and want her to keep that piece of my soul, to have it and hold it and keep it safe.
but she hasn't, or doesn't know what she has, and carelessness and ignorance hurt just as much as twisting the knife on purpose. a knife in the gut is a knife whether you know it's there or not.
i want to scream and shake and yell and say how she's mine, never mind i can never give her what she wants and needs.
except i want to be enough.
it's not too much to ask, being enough. to be sufficient, to be fulfilling, to satisfy with your existence. she did for me.
except that's a lie, if her existence were enough, then there would be no knife. i want her attention, her love, her affection, her hands in my hair, her voice on my phone, her in my life. and someone else is taking her away from me and i'm having a difficult time forgiving that.
it has been said that love is not a zero-sum game, that love shared is love increased, finding love for a new person does not decrease the love a person has already given to anyone. and that may be true, but there are only so many hours in the day, so many ticks of the clock, and when you change the allocation of ticks from one person to another, then love does become a zero sum game, and the old gets shafted by the new and then you have ridiculous emo diary entries about the woe of life. you have someone who has suddenly and desperately wanted their yearly cry so as to loosen the choking sensation some where around their neck. something to make the wrists stop hurting and the palms stop tingling and the fingers rest easy. something to ease the brain down, something to get the hamster off the wheel, something to turn the switch from on to off, to rest easy.
i am not the better person, but i am good enough to keep my mouth shut.
i want to spew bile and vitriol and anger and hurt and disgorge everything inside me, to hurl it at her head, to scream and shout and cry and be mean and hurt her and tell her what she's done to me.
but i don't want to because i love her dearly and want her to keep that piece of my soul, to have it and hold it and keep it safe.
but she hasn't, or doesn't know what she has, and carelessness and ignorance hurt just as much as twisting the knife on purpose. a knife in the gut is a knife whether you know it's there or not.
i want to scream and shake and yell and say how she's mine, never mind i can never give her what she wants and needs.
except i want to be enough.
it's not too much to ask, being enough. to be sufficient, to be fulfilling, to satisfy with your existence. she did for me.
except that's a lie, if her existence were enough, then there would be no knife. i want her attention, her love, her affection, her hands in my hair, her voice on my phone, her in my life. and someone else is taking her away from me and i'm having a difficult time forgiving that.
it has been said that love is not a zero-sum game, that love shared is love increased, finding love for a new person does not decrease the love a person has already given to anyone. and that may be true, but there are only so many hours in the day, so many ticks of the clock, and when you change the allocation of ticks from one person to another, then love does become a zero sum game, and the old gets shafted by the new and then you have ridiculous emo diary entries about the woe of life. you have someone who has suddenly and desperately wanted their yearly cry so as to loosen the choking sensation some where around their neck. something to make the wrists stop hurting and the palms stop tingling and the fingers rest easy. something to ease the brain down, something to get the hamster off the wheel, something to turn the switch from on to off, to rest easy.
i am not the better person, but i am good enough to keep my mouth shut.
posted by NAME @ 11:02 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home