where do you go, my lovely, oh where do you go?

sometimes i wonder about where it comes from
what it does
how it works
that little misstep that throws everything off on the inside of my head
topsy turvey
like through a cheap carnival mirror
nothing the way it's supposed to be
how does it do that?

i can feel myself sinking, a bit
i haven't had a good nights sleep since i got back from field work
at any point in the day, i catch myself with my teeth clenched tight
and i wake up more tired than i went to sleep
there is a persistent and unquenchable drip down the back of my throat, has been for weeks.
i've been dreaming almost nonstop when i close my eyes, and i never remember it. (thank fucking god. i've had enough years of screaming nightmares and my mothers severed head in a doll bed from preschool.)

except this one where i was in some sort of travel station, a la an airport, but for trains, but not quite a train station somehow. who knows. but there were two people, a boy and a girl, and he was expertly french braiding her hair. they were best friends who were not afraid to be physically, intimate, i think. i don't know what the rest of the dream was about. i still don't remember most of them.

i've been practicing my breathing, when i remember.
but it's hard to remember that, on top of everything else.

i've though in the abstract about what i would do if i can't do this
and i've said that it would be okay if i didn't
but i really did lie
it wouldn't be okay
and i'm less than sure than ever that i can do this.

i was riding high, and it just all seems to be crumbling from beneath me (from beneath you it devours) a slip here, a falling pebble there, a wisp of dust and then it's down and over the cliff for me.

unrelated to my excellent emoness, despite the distinct blindness from a lack of eye-enhancement, i find that i am nonetheless an excellent typist. at least near as i can tell what with being blind and all. maybe this is all completely illegible and i'll find out in the morning.