now i'm crawling toward the sun

panic panic panic

my eyes desperately want to close but there is too much waiting for me to do to just lay down and sleep. i don't want to die, i just want it all to stop. i just want to be able to breathe without my chest becoming too tight. i just want something and it all seems so impossible.

i feel like a complete paradox. inside my head, i am not unhappy. i just am. but outside my head, when i look at how everything should be, what i should be able to do, it all is all light years beyond where i am. a place where people manage to get out of bed in the morning with some level of purpose.

less so in the light of day, but i'm completely demoralized by my lack of progress in two years. everything i wrote in 2007 is still just as true now as when i wrote it.

hey moon, please forget to fall down

other people's words running through my head.  one after another after another.  hot drink burnt my tongue but it's not enough to knock this train off the track.  something eyes and flooded lungs.  do not open before christmas.  just to show you the light.  which came first?  show me a starry eyed kid.  and you'll burn in hell for your sins.  black holes and revelations.  there's so many more where that came from, and the night is only begining.