keep it simple, now

it's almost exactly a year now
and it's still as secret as it ever was
not that i didn't think i could do it
but somehow i expect that being attached at the soul means telepathic too
but we're not, so they still don't know

this satisfies me


as for it being a year
i am proud
that i made it
that i didn't fall
that i'm happier now than i was then
that i didn't fuck up too bad
that i'm going somewhere (whether it's a place i want to end up or not is another story)

and i've got plans
dozens of them
and a keyboard waiting for me to have a free hour or million
and some brightly coloured yarn and some doubly pointy sticks to turn dreams into warm cozies for my wrists.
i've got my eye on a guitar or five that i might actually be able to afford so as to get that dream up in the air too
i've got plans (they're multiplying)

and while i've got precious little time to take up these dreams and live them till they're real, i am nearly 100% positive that the being busy as a side effect of doing things and going places is what has helped me to escape the part where i wanted to sleep and never wake up. so we're counting that one as a win.

second verse, same as the first

made it this far, somehow
i keep finding bits of my soul that i left behind
and somehow managed to go two years without noticing they were gone.

it's still not quite a year
but i am better hereandnow than i was hereandthen
it still feels uphill, each step threatening to bring me to my knees
crawling, dust in mouth
aching to just put it all down and stop.

but i'm not made of black anymore
even if my fingernails are
and maybe i'll be better this next year
another year older, and there's still space to go up
and not quite so much dragging me down

it's still not fair
a world where these accidentally gifted bits of my soul
are not the people i see each and every day
it makes me wonder where it all went wrong
but it's not so much wrong as just not quite right

these past two days have made me happier than ever
they've also shown me how i've changed
i'm not the person i was two and a half years ago
(sometimes, i think i can trace my depression to then)
so it's a little sad, feeling less than completely enveloped
not exactly left on the outside, just with my bedmate stealing the covers, leaving me a tad bit chilled.