on the occasion of doing something that hurts because it might hurt them too

oh delicious bitter spite
goes down so sweetly
a smooth swallow
twisting in my stomach
with bitter satisfaction

if i have to bleed to make you bleed
the blood is all the sweeter

vindication is sweet, but
as empty as pure sugar, and twice as sour

small and vicious and grasping
(this is me at my most honest)

my voice is my disguise

i know i broke your heart
and i just wanted to say i'm sorry
but this isn't really about you (sorry)

only singing about myself, 'cause that's all that i know
only singing about me, 'cause no one else will
only singing about myself, only singing about myself

once upon a time, it seemed like a good idea
there was a boy and a girl and you know how this goes
only, you don't (no, not really at all)

i know i broke his heart
i was an accident, honest
i know i broke his heart
but he didn't have mine

first kisses and quite words
shyness and boldness and keeping it quiet
hiding and secrets and whispers and kisses
(he never knew)

fault and blame and i just don't know
i just know my heart was where it started out
it was never going to end well (i'm sorry)

next stop, the moon

target: keyboard. aquired

mission AWESOME is go for launch

up up and away

i simply do it best

life is hard
it is hard
to want only one thing
and not every thing

life is hard
it is hard
to think i can do
everything i want

life is hard
it is hard
to believe
in anything at all

i want everything and nothing
i want to live it large
and live it small

i want a mansion and glittering
i want a cottage
tucked away in the hills
overseen by mountains

i want
fame. fortune. glory
i want
to walk unnoticed

i want the fame of annoymity
i want the deliciousness of insanity
i want the comfort of terror
i want the terror of familarity

to grow old and comfortable
to grow up and out and down
to lose dreams the way trees lose leaves
to lose hope the way rats shed fur
to lose myself in the everything of nothing

play it louder
play it up
play it better
play it now

turn it up and turn it off
keep my thoughts from being heard
so loud i can't hear anything at all
if i can't think it it can't burn my bones

the night they didn't come back

i'm so used to it
when they crawl out of the cracks
coming back
from the place that they should stay

i'm so used to it
the heartinmouth
fear that it's all coming down
apocolypse three million and counting

i'm so used to it
horror and terror and pain in the night
i'm so used to it
but tonight they stayed dead

time tested hearts

rich in lovers and rich in friends
rich in everything till the end
rich in ways beyond my ken

rich in everything and rich in nothing
wanting forever and never having
who gave me this insatiable need
for everything and nothing and ***

i've had lots of friends but never too many lovers
i've had lots of love but never much sex
i've had lots of things that i haven't had yet
but if i'm good and i wait i'll get what i'll get

ignore me if you see me

'cause I just don't give a shit

making myself do what that needs doing
but i may have to give in
the call of the kitchen is, um, calling
on the other hand, i've learned something today, and that's more than many people can say for this ninth of october year of our lord two thousand and seven.

make all our dreams come true

want vs need  don't expect any more from me

dreams and practicalities
if i ignore the one i miss the other
dead in the water
lose:lose situation
can't have cake or eat it
no cake for me

i want things i can't have and don't want to or won't make the effort to grab anyway.
easier to write emo blog entries that no one reads (not even me) (oh wait, lies!)

betrayal is all in the heart of the betrayed
even when she never promised me a thing
not even friendship for life
not even a phone call

i miss the one one i want to touch me
not like that
just a shoulder to bury my face in
arms squeezing my ribs till i gasp
with love (not like that)
hands in my hair
hand on my shoulder
voice in my ear

"you are loved
you are worthy
you are beloved
you are valued
you are treasured
you are held"

but then, she never said it anyway
betrayal can't happen in the absence of promises.

what is the opposite of fearless

but can you really take it?

nothing's what you got in your head

when burned, the correct instinct is to pull away from that which caused pain, amirite?

shut your mouth and get down on the floor

I came here to make you dance tonight

"blasphemy tastes most delicious on sunday"

tired and in need of a diagnosis
something to tell me that this isn't how it's supposed to be
i mean
i can figure that part out myself
but it'd be nice if someone could tell me how to fix it.
fear and exhaustion
knots under my ribs
jitters that whisper
along my nerves
something is coming
something dark is coming
what if
you'll never wake up
(i suppose it could be worse)
something bad is waiting for closed eyes
if i clench my jaw tight enough
i'll be safe till morning.

good things never last (or is it end)

i am angry. angry and tired. angry, tired, and feeling betrayed, though i do not actually know the mechanism whereby that which induced said anger came to pass.

suffice it to say, it is enough that those who should not know do, and while i can imagine that the information could be obtained otherwise, it makes no sense as to why said specific individual did what they did with said information unless they were told.

the reason i do not tell you these things is that i do not want you to know.


besides all of these things, i can feel the ones i love slipping through my fingers. our conversations are nonsensical and intermittent, lacking any sort of connection that would give coherence, or at least meaning. she is drawn to the side of her lover, the one she holds in highest esteem, the one she shares a bed with. i am displaced in her affections by one who loves her in ways i do not, and for that, i cannot blame her, but am sad nonetheless. she was mine and i was hers, and she did not know how much (i hope), and i have been set aside, or possible left on the kitchen table next to the breakfast dishes as she has wandered off to do as one does in life, which is to say, to actually do anything. of course, that is selfishness speaking, for as much as i love her, i too have been guilty of forgetting to take her with me wherever i go. but never let it be said that i was anything but hypocritical and selfish.