it is a bit funny, coming back here after all this time. i didn't realize it had been so long, but it has, which is nice, but i'm back, which isn't.

there was a post that showed up on tumblr today about a gorilla who speaks ASL, and was given a pet kitten, who ran away and was killed. this somehow encapsulates for me everything that is wondrous but mostly terrible about this world. we have people who have spend so much time trying to communicate with other the other animals around us, but at the same time continue to treat them as oddities and property. that poor gorilla loved her pet kitten, and all we can do is marvel that she feels sadness, much less is able to communicate that to us.

of course, it wouldn't be so bad if everything weren't so terrible. i think we have long ago passed shooting ourselves in the foot and are perhaps at machetes or something, cutting ourselves off at the knees on purpose just to watch the pretty colors. i have so very little motivation to do much of anything.

we don't do it for the scars or stories, just the pain

where's your head at?

bastardizing the bastard, as it were.

slowly unraveling. no quick drop for me, no. i get slow erosion. i spent most of the day alternating between forcing myself to leave the house and frantically doing everything in my power to avoid leaving the house. i've been practicing my shut-in skills the past few weekends, and it's beyond ridiculous at this point. i'm skipping at least half my obligations because i jut do not want to leave. though half of it is that i just don't want to go there.

the obvious solution would be to find something where there was somewhere i wanted to go, but there are no easy ways out here.

now i'm crawling toward the sun

panic panic panic

my eyes desperately want to close but there is too much waiting for me to do to just lay down and sleep. i don't want to die, i just want it all to stop. i just want to be able to breathe without my chest becoming too tight. i just want something and it all seems so impossible.

i feel like a complete paradox. inside my head, i am not unhappy. i just am. but outside my head, when i look at how everything should be, what i should be able to do, it all is all light years beyond where i am. a place where people manage to get out of bed in the morning with some level of purpose.

less so in the light of day, but i'm completely demoralized by my lack of progress in two years. everything i wrote in 2007 is still just as true now as when i wrote it.

hey moon, please forget to fall down

other people's words running through my head.  one after another after another.  hot drink burnt my tongue but it's not enough to knock this train off the track.  something eyes and flooded lungs.  do not open before christmas.  just to show you the light.  which came first?  show me a starry eyed kid.  and you'll burn in hell for your sins.  black holes and revelations.  there's so many more where that came from, and the night is only begining.

the thing i find so hard to do
telling a lie (a lie to you)

it is hard, because everyone is perpetually asking me how i am, and there is no polite answer beyond 'hanging in there'

there comes a time in every life

a missed window of opportunity
i know what will make me better
dragging my sack of flesh out of bed in the morning
taking it to work
where i go through the motions
inch by inch
step by step
agonizing in its numbness no feelings just blank painful seething boredom
while each second another sliver of my soul is scraped away
like a razor scraping
making my head better for some eternal workday drudgery?
i think not.